


Fall

by tomlin0s



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Eating Disorders, M/M, Schizophrenia, Self Harm, Sexual Content, i'll warn you, this could be triggering at some point idk, zouis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-12
Updated: 2013-06-11
Packaged: 2017-12-11 15:45:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/800407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomlin0s/pseuds/tomlin0s
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being admitted into a treatment facility, Louis cuts off all communication. But when a new boy gets checked in will he be able to open Louis up and get him to speak?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

They say that it’s up to me to do the talking, and that I won’t make progress without it. I’ve been Lone Oak treatment center for three weeks now and not a single word has escaped from my mouth. My mum took me from school when the guidance counselor had spoken to her about their concerns of my wellbeing. My mum spoke to the doctor who suggested she take me to the hospital who after hours of tests and questions suggested I should be admitted to Lone Oaks, which is why I’m sitting here in this small closet like therapy room practically knee to knee with the therapist that has been trying to get me to speak nearly every day since I arrived.

“Are you going to speak today, Louis?” The therapists’ thick German accent spilled out. He was an older balded man whose cologne was sprayed on far too thick for anybody’s liking.

I looked him in the eyes and back to the floor, still refusing to mutter a word.

“How about you just started off with why you’re here?” He suggested.  
 _You know why I'm here. It’s written somewhere in the stack of papers in my folder that you have lying across your lap._ I wanted to say. Instead I remained silent. My eyes turned to the clock which showed we only had four more minutes to waste.

He rubbed his temples in frustration. “What about your family life, Louis? What’s that like?” He asked.

 _Nonexistent._ I wanted to say again.  _My dad’s abandoned us and my mum’s constantly at work while my sisters take care of each other and I hide in my room._

He waited for a reply but when he got none he looked at his watch and sighed. “I guess you can go back out to the group. I’ll see you in a few days.” He told me. I nodded my head and turned around and sat up to leave. I took the short walk down the hall that opened to a large room with other teens who were laying around the sofa in discussion.

“Ah, Louis, come join us!” Jennifer, a blonde perky nurse asked me. I sat on the only sofa that was open, in the far spot next to the wall. Sat next to me was a skinny boy with tan skin and jet black hair. He must have been admitted while I was in therapy; I had never seen him before.

“Hi, I’m Zayn.” He smiled at me.  I managed a to slip him a small smile before turning my eyes back to the board to see “Rational and Irrational” written on it.

“Louis, would you like to give us an example of an irrational reaction?” Jennifer asked.  I shook my head no and she nodded her head and moved on to another girl in the group.

“Silent treatment?” Zayn whispered. I blinked at him. “I tried that once, lasted two days before I finally gave in.” Again I said nothing.

The group discussion went on until it was time for our evening snack before bed. They brought out a box full of individually wrapped crackers and cookies. I took a pack of Oreos before retreating to my corner.

I slowly began nibbling it when I felt the sofa dip down beside me.

“Not eating with everyone at the table?” He questioned, clearly not taking the hint that I wasn’t going to speak to him. I shook my head no and he nodded his head before silently turning to his snack.

“So you’re really dedicated to this whole no speaking thing, yeah?” No reply.

“It’s time for meds everybody!”  The nurse called, breaking the awkward moment. I walked up to the desk and waited in line before I finally made it to the front. She handed me three pills and a bottle of water. I took them all and showed them before retreating to my room. After brushing my teeth and changing into my pyjamas I shut off the lights and crawled into bed. Just as I was about to fall asleep the light turned on and a nurse was in the room.

“Louis, we’ve got you a new roommate.” She told me. I turned around and saw Zayn smiling at me.

“He was admitted while you were in therapy, but I believe you two have already met.” I nodded my head and turned back around in bed. I heard the door click and Zayn shuffling around with his belongings. He opened the wardrobe on his side and put his bags in, not bothering to unpack.

“Quite the coincidence, isn’t it?” He asked. Once again I didn’t reply.

“You’re going to have to talk at some point you know.” He reminded me. I stayed motionless in my bed hoping he would get the hint.

“What are you in here for, anyways?” He asked. I pulled the covers over my head and tried to shut him out but he just continued talking.

I sat up and opened my mouth to yell at him to stop talking but nothing came out. Can you forget how to speak after a while? Does your brain stop sending messages to the other parts of your body signaling any noise to come out?

“Cat got your tongue?” He winked. I rolled my eyes  and turned over for hopefully the last time.

I was about to fall asleep again when I heard a lighter flick causing me to jolt up in confusion.

 _How did you even manage to get that in here?_ I wanted to ask.

“ Nice, right?” He asked as he lit the spliff. “Want a puff?” He asked gesturing it towards me.

I shook my head no, knowing of the random drug tests they do, especially when you first get here.

“More for me.” He shrugged and began inhaling. Nearly ten minutes later after he had finished he turned the lights off and crawled into the empty bed next to mine.

“You’re pretty cool, you know that?” After I didn’t reply he let out a breathy laugh. “Am I ever going to get a reply from you?” I nodded my head no forgetting he couldn’t see.

“Goodnight, Louis.” He yawned and rolled over.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke the next morning with the sun shining bright through our windows. We aren’t allowed window shades due to the strings, so it was always a challenge getting back to sleep.

“Turn the lights off.” I heard Zayn mumble beside me. When the light didn’t go away he sat up glanced around the room until he noticed the window.

“Time to get your vitals checked. You have five minutes.” One of the nurses told us. We nodded our heads and I lead Zayn to the hallway and showed him how we stand in line every morning for this.  I finally got to the front of the line and I sat in the large chair as they took my temperature and blood pressure. They asked me the usual questions “How do you feel today? Do you feel like harming yourself or anybody else?” and handed me my binder that included the daily journal that we were supposed to write our goals for the day in before breakfast started. I sat in my usual seat in the corner away from everybody and opened it up in hopes to have something come to mind but my mind was blank.

I jotted down my usual “make an effort towards talking”, which never actually happened.

By the time I got done writing down my pathetic excuse for a goal, breakfast was being brought out on large racks. Everyone gathered to get their meals, the people in for eating disorders were sat closest to the nurses so they could be monitored, mean while everyone else has free range of the tables. Those on levels five and up were brought to eat in the canteen if they chose to do  so. I was still on level one after just being brought off “focus”. Meaning I wasn’t allowed to leave my room for anything besides therapy and group sessions.

I grabbed my tray and opened the lid to see burnt toast, half cooked eggs, and two sausages that bounced when you dropped them onto the plate.

“This looks appetizing!” A familiar voice said beside me. I looked over and saw Zayn smiling at me.  I let out an airy nose laugh attempted to put a bite of sausage into my mouth. I choked it down and placed some toast in my mouth. The rule was you had to eat at least half of what was on your plate before you could leave the table.

Once I had all the food down Zayn and I walked back to our room to get changed before group sessions started.

“Zayn?” I heard a nurse ask. His head whipped around and he gave her a cheeky wink. “A doctor will be in here in about two minutes we need to take some drug tests.” She told him.

Once she was out of the room Zayn melted down on to the bed and immediately turned into nervous wreck.

“What am I to do, Louis?” He frowned. “You could have at least warned me.

I got him a look that said, “if I could I would”. He nodded his head and placed his hands in it.

“Louis, you can go off to school now.” One of the nurses instructed me when they brought the doctor to the room. I nodded my head and walked down the long hall to the “school” room.

Not much school actually happens here. They turn the lights off and put on a film while they give us papers and utensils to colour with.

The film they were playing today was a Johnny Depp one titled “Benny and Joon”. I inwardly groaned at the thought of having to sit through a Johnny Depp movie and instead drew my eyes to my paper trying to figure out what I was going to create. While I was trying to decide I hear the door open and looked up to see Zayn walking in and sitting down in the open space next to me. A skinny boy with red hair glared at him as he sat down but I chose to ignore it. I fixed my eyes back to my paper and started making random doodles, that of which you would put on your notebook during lessons at school.

When I looked over to Zayn’s paper he had fully sketched out a bunch of random doodles like I, only much better.

He glanced at me and gave me a funny look before taking a clean sheet of paper and began writing. When he was finished he slid the paper over to me and it read a message.

_Maybe you’ll talk this way? What are you here for, anyways?_ It read in his neat hand writing.

I took the red coloured pencil and hesitantly replied with:

_Depression and Schizophrenia. What brought you here?  
_ I wrote out and slowly slid the paper back towards Zayn. He frowned a bit before writing another messaging and returning the paper back.

_Drugs and I guess I’ve got a bit of an anger issue as well._

I glanced over and saw the boy still staring at Zayn so I decided to ask.

_Why is that boy staring at you? Do you know him?_

When I passed Zayn the note he looked over at the boy and back to the paper before writing.

_We used to go to school together, had a few lessons together but never saw eye to eye._

Was all he explained.

“Zayn, Louis, something you would like to discuss?” The supervisor questioned when she noticed us passing the paper back and forth. I shook my head no and slid the paper back in my pocket. Once the “school” was over they guided us to our next lesson which was Gym. We walked into the large blue room that had several yoga mats laying all over the place.

“Alright everybody please take a seat on any mat you would like so we can begin!” The short and hefty teacher shouted out. I took a seat in the far back corner as usual and laid back. She instructed us on how to do deep breathing exercises to help control our feelings, which was also good for our heart, apparently.

When they called us up off the mats we all opened our eyes and sat up to see a large bin of dodge balls at the front of the room.

“Today we will be playing dodge ball.” The teacher informed us. “No aiming at the face or you are disqualified and will be sent back to your room.”  
When the balls were set up in the center of the room we all took our positions in the back. The whistle was blown and everybody ran towards the balls and grabbed one then ran back to get their fair shoot. Immediately I was hit and had to sit out on the side along with the others who got knocked out of the game.

After nearly twenty minutes all who was left in the game was Zayn and two others lads. Zayn threw the large green ball at the stubby boy knocking him out of the game and he was left with the lanky kid who had been glaring at him throughout our entire lessons today. Zayn got a smirk on his face and chucked the ball at the kid, hitting him square in the face.

The whistle blew loudly and the teachers voice shouted “Malik, you’re disqualified!” I looked over and saw her pressing button on the wall.

Zayn’s face turned beat red in anger and the kid slowly backed away until his back hit the wall. Zayn raised his fist but before he could make contact he was being pulled off by two nurses. Both nurses grabbed his arms as he struggled between them and shouted out profanities.

“Everyone else, back to your rooms until you’re called for lunch.” She instructed.

We were lead through the halls and when the door was unlocked for us to go into our unit I walked past the giant board which was already listing Zayn on level “ReFocus” meaning he couldn’t leave his room for anything besides therapy.

I slowly opened our door to see Zayn punching the walls in anger. I stood in shock until he noticed I was standing there and dropped his hands.

“Sorry.” He sighed. I nodded my head and sat on my bed. “They put me on refocus, such bullshit.”

“Louis, time for lunch.” A small nurse poked her head through the door and told me.

I glanced back nervously at Zayn, unsure if I should leave him alone or not.

“It’s alright, go on.” He assured me, as if reading my mind.

I gave him a sincere apologetic smile and shrugged my shoulders, dreading going back out alone for lunch.

“Not hungry, Louis?” The nurse asked me when she saw me poking around my food. I shook my head no. I was actually starving, but not for their fake rubber meat. More than anything I wanted to get back to Zayn to make sure he was alright. Realizing I wasn’t going to get anywhere without eating, I quickly ate half of my plate and put my tray away. I needed to speak to Zayn somehow to make sure he was alright so I went to the nurses’ station to get pens and paper.

“What can I do for you, Louis?” The nurse asked me.

Still unable to speak I eyed the pile of paper and discreetly pointed at it.

“Of course.” She smiled and handed me a few sheets of plain white printer paper and a pen.  
I mustered up a small smile before returning to my room for two hours of free period. I entered the room and Zayn was lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling.   
 _How long are you on refocus for?_ I wrote down on the blank paper and handed it over to him.

His face lit up and he grabbed the pen, jotting down his words. When he returned the paper it read:  _just a day until they put me onto focus. This shit blows mate._

_Have they found out about the drugs yet?_ I asked him.

_Yeah but they think it’s from yesterday before I was admitted, they’ll believe anything._ He wrote and laughed softly.

_What’ve you done with the rest?_

_Smoked it aha. Hopefully they don’t find out._ He replied. I shook my head at him before picking up the pen and replying.

_You’re nuts mate you know that? They always find these things out. If they do you will be stuck in this room for much longer than a day._

_Apparently not always, besides that was unfortunately the last of it._ He told me. I wasn’t sure if I should believe him or not but I did. I nodded my head and slipped the note back on the desk between us before laying back on my bed. I eyed my binder that was meant to be filled out with how the day was going and what I can improve, but I couldn’t be bothered. Instead I laid back and closed my eyes in attempts to sleep, however my mind had other things planned. When I closed my eyes immediately the voices started, and images of people popped into my mind. I tried opening my eyes but they wouldn’t budge, they felt as if they were glued shut.  It was realistic, too realistic. I could see them in front of me, and feel their hands tracing me, down my spine and around my neck. My eyes finally popped open and I shot up in my bed, frantically looking around the room to make sure there was nothing here.

“Woah, are you alright?” Zayn asked, looking a bit weirded out.

I nodded my head yes and slid back into bed hoping to escape this conversation. He grabbed the paper and pen from the center desk and proceeded to write me another message.

_What’s really wrong? You can talk to me, you know._

He wrote. When I looked back up at him he shot me a friendly smile and gestured for me to write.

I took the pen and paper and tried to think of what to write, but nothing could come out. I shrugged and gave him a halfhearted smile before setting the paper back down onto the desk.

“If you want to talk, you know where to find me.” He sighed and rolled back over into his bed.

I nodded my head, though I knew he couldn’t see. I couldn’t sleep now so I grabbed my binder and opened it up to today’s page. If I wrote down what just happened they would send me to an emergency therapy session so I simply wrote down that everything was fine, I was just feeling a bit ill today. When I finished I walked my binder back out to the nurses’ station and stacked it on top of the other completed binders.

“Oh, Louis!” The nurse called before I could walk away. I turned back around to listen to what she had to say. “Your mum will be here shortly for a visit.” She told me with a wide smile on her face. I inwardly groaned and walked back to my room, completely dreading her visit. She’s visited a few times since I’ve been here and not one visit has gone well. It always ends with me not speaking and mum having a go at me.

I got back to the room and started cleaning everything up, mum always likes everything to be spotless.

“What are you doing?” Zayn asked confused. He waited for a response but I said nothing and just kept cleaning. I finally had got everything in eye sight cleaned up or shoved in a closet when I heard a knock on the door.  
“Lou?” My mum called out. I didn’t answer but she walked in anyways. She walked in and over powered me in a hug.  
“Oh, who’s this?” She smiled, again I said nothing.  
“I’m Zayn.” He replied and stood up to shake her hand.

“Lovely to meet you, Zayn.” She smiled politely.

“So, Louis, how have you been?” She asked me. I stared at her before turning around and walking to my bed and sitting on it.

“The nurses say you still haven’t said anything, why is that, Lou?” Again I said nothing. I heard Zayn snicker from the other side of the room. “Please just say something?” She begged. I could see tears forming in her eyes.  
I wanted so badly to give in and speak to her, the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt my mum.  Yet, I shook my head no and still said nothing.

“You can’t stay mute forever!” She challenged angrily. I gave her a look that said,  _‘you really want to test that?’_

She sighed and looked at me with pleading eyes. “Just one simple word, Louis?”

I turned around not wanting to listen to her beg anymore. A tear escaped my eyes and I wiped it away quickly, careful not to let her see.

“Fine, if you’re not going to speak I’m just going to leave for awhile.” She announced. “There’s not much point in me coming here if you’re not willing to communicate.” She walked over to me and gave me a hug. “I love you, Louis.” She told me before exiting the room. Once I was sure she was gone I laid on my back and stared up at the ceiling replying the events in my head.

“That’s a bit harsh, mate.” Zayn frowned. I turned around and ignored him again, what did he know?  
“No, listen to me!” He demanded. “Did you not see how much pain you’re causing your mum?” He asked me. I shrugged my shoulders, I knew he was right.

“That’s sick, mate. You need to stop doing this to her, you need to speak.”

I opened my mouth but once again nothing came out. He turned away and walked to his bed. I let out a barely audible  _“I’m sorry.”_ not thinking anything would even come out, but it did. He turned around and smiled lightly and nodded his head.  
"Tell her that, mate." He said softly before turning back to his bed.


	3. Chapter 3

When I awoke the next morning Zayn was still sleeping so I walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready. As soon as I began brushing the voices immediately came back to my head. I had begun to be able to ignore them but when they were this strong and telling me to do things, it was difficult. The anger and confusion was building up inside me until my thoughts were disrupted by Zayn walking in beside me.  
“Morning Louis.” He yawned. I gave him a small smile and spit out the tooth paste.  
“Please don’t say you’re going back to not talking? I heard you yesterday, Louis.” He frowned. I dropped my head and got out of the bathroom quickly.  
“Louis, you can’t keep escaping this!” He said angrily. “You can’t stay quiet forever!”

“Lads, it’s time for your vitals.” A nurse popped her head in and told us.

Zayn and I sat far apart throughout breakfast and “school.” It finally came time for one of my favourite classes which was music. Even though I couldn’t sing in front of everyone, it was the only time I got to listen to music.

 The entire day the voices had been in the back of my head and they’re only getting louder. We were half way through music class and I could feel things touching me, people touching me. It almost felt like bugs crawling all over my body. I could sense them watching me from corners of the room. I jumped out of my seat and ran to the teacher.  
“What’s wrong, Louis?” She asked me, though I couldn’t tell her. I just pointed to the door.  
“You can’t go, I’m afraid.” She frowned. “You still have twenty minutes.”

“Fuck you!” I shouted. The entire room gasped. I’m not sure if they did it because I swore at the teacher, or because they actually heard me speak.  
“What did you just say?” The teacher’s jaw dropped.  
“I said fuck you!” I screamed. I ran to the door, trying to get out but of course it was locked. In order to get out, you need someone from the office to push a button. The voices were getting louder at this point, and I could feel, whatever it is, start to wrap its hands around my neck again. I sank to the floor with my head between my knees, violently shaking.  
“Get off of me!” I screamed at whatever was touching me. Before too long I felt a pair of strong arms pull me up and take me out of the room. I didn’t dare look up. I walked with my head down and before I knew it I was shoved into the isolation room, which was nothing like people said they were. When you imagine an isolation room you think of comfortable, padded walls. But in reality they’re just cold, hard cement. I spent the next two hours in there screaming and crying, only to have the voices get louder.

“Go away!” I screamed at the voices.  
“Woah, mate, relax!” A familiar voice willed. I looked up to see Zayn standing in the door way. Immediately I felt calmer. I sat back against the wall and finally took a deep breath.  
“They sent me in here to make sure you were okay.” He explained. “They said you wouldn’t calm down for any of them.”

I sat there, still silent. He let out a huge sigh.  
“Lou, you can drop the silent act now yeah? At least with me?” He proposed. Reluctantly I nodded my head in agreement.  
“Lou.” He groaned.  
“S-sorry.” My voice came out hoarse.

“S’alright.” He assured me. “Let’s get you some water, yeah?” I smiled and walked back out with him to get water. I noticed my name on the board and next to it; it said “Refocus – 7 days.” I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes. I can’t believe I let this happen again.

When Zayn got me my water we walked back to our room and he tucked me safely into my bed. For the first time in life I felt safe as he sat beside me.  
“So tell me what’s going on.” He told me.

“What do you mean?” I whispered.

“What made you snap today?”  
“I-I’m not sure.” I said honestly. “I woke up and the voices were louder than ever, Zayn. Telling me to do things I just didn’t know who to listen to.” I frowned.

“What kind of things?” He asked me. I shrugged my shoulders and remained quiet.  
“Lou, if you want to get better, you need to tell me.” He informed me.

“Just that I’m useless, that everyone hates me, and I should have offed myself a long time ago, and that I need to do it now.” I sighed.  
“Lou, don’t listen to them.” He begged. “Please don’t listen to them.”

“I’m trying, Zayn; honestly. Most day’s I can block them out, it was just a bad day.”  
“Well, you know you can talk to me now yeah?” He clarified.

“Yeah, thanks, Zayn.” I smiled gratefully. He smiled back and before I knew it he was slowly leaning in. I hesitated a bit before reaching up and just as our lips were about to connect a knock at the door pulled us apart quickly.

“Louis, you’re needed in therapy now.” The nurse told me. I nodded my head and silently walked to the room.

I sat in the therapist’s room, waiting for him yet again. While I waited I had too many thoughts on my mind, most of them wondering what almost happened back there. I had never questioned my sexuality, as far as I knew, I was straight. So why was I about to kiss Zayn? And why do I feel a bit upset that I didn’t get to?

I must have been too busy in my thoughts to have heard the therapist come in because when I looked up he was sitting across from me staring at me. We made eye contact before I quickly looked back down.  
“You need to talk, Louis.” The therapist ordered. “We know you can talk, we’ve all heard you talk now.”

I stared at him blankly. There was no way I was going to talk to him.  
“How about this, then, Louis?” He began. “Your mum misses you terribly, and so do your sisters. I’m sure you miss them too, right?”  
Again he got no response, not even a nod of the head.  
“So what caused you to snap again today, Louis? We thought you were doing well. What have you been hiding from us?”  
I don’t get why he keeps expecting me to answer, but I won’t give him that satisfaction. He sighed in defeat and stood up.  
“You’re free to go, Louis. We’ll be having a meeting tomorrow with some of the doctors and nurses.” He informed me.

I got up and slowly walked back to me and Zayn’s room. When I got there he was pacing around angrily.

“What?” He snarled when we made eye contact. I dropped my head and just went to my bed. He obviously regretted that  _almost_ kiss more than I did. Instead of replying I quietly walked to my bed and went completely under the covers. I was half expecting Zayn to yell at me for not replying again, but he didn’t. This time he just turned off the lights and crawled into his own bed.

 _‘See, what did I tell you, you piece of shit?’_ The voice said loudly. _‘Everybody hates you, including Zayn. You’ve managed to push everyone away; your mum, your sisters, all your ‘friends’, and now even Zayn. If you would have killed yourself a long time ago, you wouldn’t be such a burden!’_ It shouted.

“I’m not a burden!” I murmured aloud. “Nobody hates me, t-they, they get it!”

“Lou?” Zayn asked fearfully.

“Just please stop touching me!” I begged to the figure that had its hands around my neck. “Please stop!”  
“Lou, Lou relax!” Zayn pleaded. “It’s just me, Lou.” He calmed and wrapped his arms around my torso.

“Make it stop!” I begged.

“I-I don’t know how, Lou…” He trailed off and rubbed my arm willing me to calm down. The voice eventually stopped and I opened my eyes wide, realizing we were alone, and nothing was getting me.

“I’m sorry.” I cried. “I’m so sorry.”

“You’re okay, mate.” He whispered and held me. “Relax for me, okay? You’re safe.”

I nodded my head and took in a huge breath, trying to stop myself from crying.

“Are you alright, Lou?”

“It’s just so real, Zayn. It’s _too_ real.”

“What’s real, Lou? What is going on when this happens?”  
I looked up at him and back down, unwilling to tell him.

“I’m not allowed to say.” I told him.

“They can’t hurt you, Louis. They’re not real, no matter what they say, they can’t hurt you. I won’t let anything hurt you.” He promised.

“They’re going to kill me, Zayn.” I whispered. “They choke me, and threaten me and I don’t like it.”

“Oh, Lou.” He sighed. “I’m so sorry, mate. But they’re not real, remember that. I know they seem real, but they’re not. If they were real they would have done something by now.”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I guess.”

“I’m serious, mate; they’re not real. But if they bother you anymore I want you to come to me, okay? None of this week long refocus shit.” I smiled lightly and nodded my head.

“Louis, you’ve got a meeting with staff.” A nurse poked her head in and told me. She took in the view and looked a bit surprised to see Zayn’s arms wrapped around me. She smirked a bit before I got up and lead me to a room where I was faced with a circle of people. I looked around the circle to see my therapist, the head director, a few nurses, and lastly my mum staring at me with tears in her eyes. It took everything I had not to run to her and apologize. They gestured me to sit so I took the chair furthest away from everyone.

“We need to talk about your progress here, Louis; or rather lack thereof.” The director told me. “We need to decide if it’s worth keeping you here seeing as you don’t seem to be willing to make any progress.”

I stared at them with no response. I wanted to tell them I was trying but I just couldn’t.

“Lou, please just talk. I can tell you need to say something; just let us in, baby.” My mum pleaded and got up to wrap me in a hug. I finally broke down and began crying. I hated seeing my mum this upset, especially when it was my fault. I tried everything I could to talk and to explain what was going on in my head but I couldn’t.

“What we need to determine today, Louis, is if you’re willing to make a step forward to getting better. You can’t get better without speaking and talking about what’s going on.”

I was unsure what to do. I didn’t want to speak, but I also didn’t want to leave. This is the only place I have ever felt safe in and now I’ve actually got a friend. Well I assumed me and Zayn were friends; for all I know he could actually hate me. I remained silent and looked at everyone nervously. I couldn’t just speak to them now; I’d be losing. I can’t just give in after working so hard building up my walls after my mum left me in here.

“It’s time to give in, Louis.” My therapist finally added in. “You can’t possibly enjoy living life like this. Let us help you, please?” He asked sincerely.

Finally words came out, but I had never expected to say what had slipped out.

“You expect me to just give in and fucking tell you everything after you just dumped me in here?!” I yelled at my mum. “I don’t have to explain _anything_ , you’re a psycho bitch, and you ruined everything!” I snapped and got out of my seat and walking to the unlocked door. “I don’t need any of you, especially you, mum. I can handle myself just fine.” I said firmly before walking out and making my way back to my room.

“That was quick.” Zayn commented when I laid onto my bed. I shrugged my shoulders and turned around facing away. “Don’t do this mate.” He sighed when I refused to speak. He walked over to the side of my bed and brushed the hair out of my face. “What happened in there?”  
“I snapped at my mum, badly, Zayn.” I sighed. “I said terrible things.”

“I’m sure she knows you didn’t mean it, Lou.” He comforted.

“I don’t even need to be in here!” I shouted. “She shouldn’t have been eaves dropping!”

“Mate, relax. Maybe explain to me what happened, yeah?”

“Just what I said, she was eaves dropping. The voices were going crazy, I had to end it. I was going to listen. I busted open a bottle of pills but she ran in and stopped me.”

“I’m glad she did.” He smiled. “You’ve got to get this under control, man. You’re worth too much to let this happen.”  
“Yeah right.” I huffed. “I’m not worth shit.”

“Don’t even fucking go there, Louis.” He growled. “You are worth so much; I don’t know what I’d do in this place if it wasn’t for you. You’re worth _so_ fucking much.” He said sternly, staring me right in the eyes. We were face to face and our eye contact was yet to break. He moved in a little closer and I could feel his hot breath on me. Finally he leaned in and gently connected his lips to mine.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I'm sorry this is so extremely short and awful. I'm extremely sick and I just came up with this.

“Erm…” Was all I could say when we first pulled apart. I was shocked but I definitely didn’t hate it. “Zayn, I’m straight.” I told him. Truth was ever since I met Zayn I had no clue what I was anymore.

“Right, of course.” He sighed. “I’m sorry.” He apologized and walked back to his own bed.

“Please don’t be mad at me.” I whispered.

“Not mad at you.” He said shortly.

“Yes you are.”

“Just worry about yourself, Louis.” He warned, clenching his fists.

“Louis, Zayn, we’ve got your dinner.” A nurse poked her head in and told us. We both looked up and looked back down ignoring her. “Everything okay in here?”

“Everything is fine.” Zayn said flatly.

“Alright…” She said awkwardly. “Lou your mum wants to talk to you before she leaves.” She informed me. I shook my head no.

“Louis, you really hurt her.” She sighed. I gave her a look that said ‘not my problem’. She groaned and gave up, giving us our food and leaving the room.

“You’re really fucking cruel, you know that?” Zayn told me. “Your mum is trying so hard to help you and you just shut her out.”

“Oi, I didn’t ask for your opinion! Go find a boyfriend who will actually give a shit.” I said rudely.

“You know what mate? Fuck you! At least I’ve come to terms with my sexuality, unlike you. I can see right through you, Louis.” He snapped back.

“You don’t know anything.” I snarled. He moved back to my bed looking me dead in the eyes.

“Tell me you didn’t like that, then. Tell me you didn’t feel _anything_.” He ordered.

“I…just stop talking, Zayn! I shouldn’t have ever opened up to you; it was a mistake.”  
“A mistake.” He laughed. “Get a grip, Louis. I know you liked it, it’s alright.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Zayn.” I mumbled.

“Tell me.” He murmured and kissed my collarbone. “Tell me that you don’t like this and I’ll stop.” He said and kissed my lips once again before pulling off and staring at me again.

“I don’t like it.” I lied again.

“You’re unbelievable.” He laughed.

“Just give it up.” I demanded. “Why don’t we just go back to not talking?”

“If that’s what you want.” He frowned.

“It’s for the best.” I told him. He sat up to get off my bed but then sat back down

“You’re unbelievable, you know that? Why can’t you just admit that you liked it?!”  
“I do not like men, Zayn.”  
“Fair enough, but you like me.” He said matter of factly.

“I do not, Zayn. I don’t like guys. I can’t…it’s just…wrong.”

“What’s so wrong with it?” He asked with kisses between each word.

“Zayn.” I whined.

“Admit you like it and I’ll stop.” He told me. He began kissing me again and no matter what I do I couldn’t lie anymore.

I finally pushed him off before speaking. “I, I…I like it.” I admitted quietly. He grinned widely and kissed me again.

“Lads, have you fini-“ We both looked at the nurse who stood in our room stunned. “Off each other, now!” She ordered.

“Sorry.” Zayn apologized.

“I don’t know what’s going on between you pair, but none of that is allowed.” She said firmly. “Next time we catch you, you change rooms.” She took our half empty trays and angrily left the room.

Once we were sure she was gone Zayn leaned back over me and kissed me once again.

“Z-Zayn, no.” I said and tried to push him off. “That was a sign; this is wrong. Let’s just forget this ever happened, okay?”  
“Whatever. Don’t talk to me until you’ve stopped being such a pussy.”

I sighed and nodded my head. I knew he was right, I was afraid. I got up and walked to my messy wardrobe, picking out a pair of pyjamas so I could take a shower. I stepped into the bathroom turning on the light and the fan. Looking into the mirror I studied my tired looking face that held no emotion. I sighed and started the hot water before stepping in. I set my head under the water, soaking it and then rubbing in the shampoo.

 _“You’re such a fucking fag”_ the voice taunted.

“I am not.” I said angrily and washed the shampoo out.

_“You are. You loved every second of Zayn kissing you. You’re repulsive.”_

“I know.” I frowned and dropped my head. The voices continued as I conditioned my hair. I could feel them start to grab me and touch me, which lead to me curled into a ball in the corner of the shower sobbing, with the water still pouring down on me.

“Just stop, please stop!” I begged. “I know I’m disgusting, just _please_!”  
“Louis?” I heard a concerned voice that sounded like Zayn’s. “Lou?” He called again. The curtain pulled back and he quickly shut off the water and wrapped the hanging towel around my body.

“You’re okay, it’s me. Stop shaking.” He willed. “What happened?”  
“I-I’m disgusting.” I whimpered. “I’m repulsive I can’t like guys, I-I can’t like _you_.”

“I see.” He sighed.

“I d-didn’t mean it like that.” I said quickly.

“I understand.” He said calmly. “Let’s get you dressed and then we can talk.” He offered. I nodded my head and he lifted me up, taking me over to my clothing.  He helped me into my pyjamas before taking off his jumper and putting it on my shivering body. “Let’s get you to bed, mate.” He said softly and led me to his bed, placing me under the blankets.

“Why are you being so nice to me?”  
“You’re confused; it’s not your fault you’re acting like this.” He assured me.

“I’m not confused.” I shook my head.

“No?” He smirks.

“We both know I fancy you, okay? But I just can’t, Zayn. It’s not allowed. It’s wrong, it’s disgusting; it’s just not a good idea.” I told him and immediately saw his face drop. “I don’t mean for you, Zayn; I just mean for me. It’s not allowed where I’m from.”

“But you, personally, do you find it to be wrong or disgusting?”  
“Of course not, people can’t chose who they like.”  
“Then who cares what they think. You’ve got to give that up, Lou. You need to start doing things for _you_ so _you_ can be happy.”

“I am happy.” I lied.

“I’m not buying that for one minute, Lou. Nobody is happy in this place.”

“Guess not.” I mumbled.

“So what about your life outside of here? What was that like?” He asked me.

I looked at him shocked. “You really want to know?”  
“Of course.” He told me and laid down next to me, pulling the covers over the both of us.

 “Well I don’t know, there’s not much, I guess.” I said honestly. “I was fairly normal; I’ve got my mum and sisters, my dad left us though.” I frowned and he grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “I guess school wasn’t too bad. I only had a few friends, but nobody there hated me. I think I was just there, you know? There’s really no reason for me to be depressed or be in here.”  
“I don’t think that’s true.” He shook his head. “I would be pretty upset if my dad left us. Plus I’m sure not everything was perfect.”  
“I guess not.” I shrugged. “What about you?”  
“It’s pretty standard, I suppose. I’ve got my mum, dad, and sisters. I’m really popular at school, I guess. Nothing to complain about.”

“That sounds nice.” I smiled.

“It’s alright. It’s got its downs.”  
“Yeah? Like what?”

“My dad basically hates me.” He told me honestly. I looked up at him and frowned. “He’s so disappointed in me. With all the partying I do, we get in a lot of fights.”

“Hmm.” I hummed. “Is that why you got sent in here?”  
“No.” He shook his head. “Well partly. I had overdosed on some pills and they found me fading between consciousnesses, basically. After we went to the hospital they suggested I come here.”

“I’m glad they sent you here.” I said and quickly slapped my hand over my mouth. “Sorry.”  
“You’re cute.” He laughed and pulled me in closer.

“Zayn?”

“Yeah, Lou?”

“Were you trying to kill yourself when you took all those pills?” I asked. I looked up at him and he hesitated.

“No.” He finally said. “I don’t think I was. I just needed to be high. If something happened, it happened; I wouldn’t have much cared.”

I looked up at him unsure what to say. I finally swallowed hard and sighed. “Please don’t do that again.” I whispered and wrapped him in a hug.

“Never again.” He promised.

When I woke the next morning a nurse was standing over us with a disapproving look.

“Lads you were told last night no touching.”  
“We weren’t.” I told her. “Zayn just slept next to be because I was hearing things.”

“Louis, you spoke.” She gasped. My eyes immediately widened; I never meant to. I immediately sat further back and snapped my mouth shut. “Please don’t, Lou. It’s good; it’s really good!”

“Just please don’t make us change rooms.” I whispered.

“He is doing you a lot of good…” She sighed.

“What’s going o-oh shit.” Zayn groaned and jumped away from me when he noticed the nurse. “We didn’t do anything I swear.”

“I’m not going to say anything.” The nurse promised.  We both let out a huge sigh of relief. “So do you two fancy each other?” She asked excitedly.

“Erm…we….” Zayn looked at me unsure. “It’s complicated.”

“It’s not complicated, either you fancy each other or you don’t.”

“We do.” I piped up. Zayn looked at me shocked but smiled widely.

“Don’t’ get carried away in here.” She warned. “Wouldn’t want you pair to get separated if they suspect anything.” We nodded our heads and she handed us our trays of breakfast before walking out.

“So you fancy me?” He winked.

“Just eat your breakfast.” I told him and smacked his arm jokingly.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that I haven't updated in forever! I'm basically on holiday this entire month so I haven't had much time or ideas to update. I'll try to do it more frequently!

“So tell me more about your life.” I told Zayn when we were stuck in our room for lunch.

“Like what?” He chuckled. “I’m not very interesting.”  
“Well, like…what turned you to drugs?” I asked nervously.

“Lots of things.” He chuckled lowly. “I guess I just couldn’t handle life sober anymore and I needed something. A good friend of mine offered me some pills and I never looked back.”

“Do you want to stop?”

“Not really.” He shrugged. “In a way I do, for my sisters. But I don’t know how I’ll cope when I’m out. I’m not good enough for anyone out there, Lou.” He sighed.

“What do you mean?” I frowned.

“Just what I said; I’m not good enough. My parents expect the world out of me, and I just can’t give it to them.” He huffed.  “I’ve made…a lot of mistakes.”  
“Like what?” I asked again nosily.

“You just don’t give up, do you?” He laughed.

“Sorry.” I mumbled. “You don’t have to tell me.”

“No, it’s alright.” He took a deep breath. “A few years ago when I was 15, I erm, got a girl pregnant. I was actually kind of excited, however my parents were strongly against it. It turns out hers were too because they forced her to get an abortion.” He told me. I looked over to see him shaking.

“Z, you don’t have to continue.” I hugged him.

“It’s okay.” He whispered and recomposed himself. “Naturally, her parents wouldn’t let her see me again. I was pretty down about the whole situation; I had no idea how to handle it. My ‘friends’ were sick of me acting so depressed all the time, so the one offered me a little pick me up. I didn’t think it would be that serious. But I just…I needed something to cope. I know I was way too young for a child, but it was mine you know? I didn’t know how to deal with it.”

“I get it.” I frowned and hugged him tightly.  I felt his body begin to shake and soon enough he was in tears.

“I’m sorry.” He said and wiped his eyes, trying to stop the tears.

“Don’t be.” I murmured. “It’s okay to cry, you know?”

“No it’s not.” He groaned. “Anytime I would show emotion, my dad, he’d-never mind.” Zayn stopped himself.

“He’d what, Zayn?” I asked concerned.

“I said never mind!” He snapped.

“Fine, I’m sorry.” I mumbled.

“No, I am. I just don’t like talking about it.”

“Alright.” I said softly.

“But I can tell you, I suppose.” He mumbled.

“Only if you want to, Zayn.”

“My dad, whenever I’d show emotion, or do anything he’d just…he…he’d hit me, or t-throw me into walls, or down the stairs. He’d punch me a lot, as well. , one time, or erm, a lot of times, he r-r-aped me.”

He rested himself into my side and I wrapped my arm around him. “You’re okay.” I mumbled as he shook.

“It was s-so scary, Lou. I don’t want to get out of here. When I get back I only h-have him to go out to.” He cried.

“We’ll find you somewhere.” I promised. “I won’t let you go back to that.”

“I don’t know.” He mumbled. “Let’s just not talk about it, yeah?”

“You need to eat.” I reminded him, dropping the subject. “They’ll put you in with the eating disorder patients.”

“Okay.” He frowned and picked up his plate, slowly picking around it. “What are we?” He finally asked. “We kiss, we cuddle, we have serious talks; I just need to know, I guess.”

“Well I erm…what do you want to be?”

“I kind of want to be boyfriends, I mean, if you do.”

“I mean, I…I don’t know.” I shook my head.

“I understand.” He shrugged.

“Zayn, I want to, believe me. I’ve just never had one, I don’t know how to do this whole ‘boyfriend’ thing.”

“Something-like-this.” He said between kisses. He pulled off and I started blushing.

“I like that.” I murmured.

“Yeah?” He asked.

“Yeah.” I nodded and bit my lip.

“Me too.” He told me and pulled me in so we were face to face.

“So then we’re…”  
“Boyfriends?” He asked hopeful.

“Yeah, okay.” I agreed.

“But we can’t let them know.” He reminded me.

“Of course.” I nodded. I looked up at Zayn who was smiling widely. “You happy?” I chuckled.

“Extremely.” He nodded. “I was never allowed to have a boyfriend. My dad would proper kill me.”

“I’m sorry.” I frowned. “That must have been tough.”

“Couldn’t get a boyfriend anyways.” He chuckled.

“Why not?”

“I’m not exactly attractive.” He chuckled.

“That’s not true, don’t say that.” I frowned. “You’re well fit.”  
“Well thanks babe.” He winked. “You’re pretty fit yourself.”

“I know.” I winked back.

“No conceit with you, eh?” He chuckled.

“Not at all.” I blushed.

“You’re adorable.” He chuckled and kissed the top of my head.

“I think we should bust out of here.” He said randomly.

“I-I’m sorry, what?”  
“I said I think we should bust out of here.” I laughed. “You’ve been in here for ages, and I certainly don’t want to be in here.”

“You’re crazy.” I shook my head. “They’ll catch us before we can leave the first door.”  
“Not if we do it carefully at night. You can’t tell me you honestly want to be in here.”

“I don’t.” I shook my head. “Let’s do it.”

“Good.” He smiled. “We’ll have to make a plan so hopefully within a few nights we can get out.”

“Where are we going to go?” I frowned. “It’s not exactly like we can go home, or like we have any money.”  
“I’ve got some mates around here, we can figure something out.”

“But what about when you get out? Will you turn back to drugs?”

“I mean, maybe.” He shrugged. “Probably.”

“I don’t want you to.” I frowned. “That’s scary.”

“Zayn, you’ve got to come out for classes, Louis you have to stay here.” A nurse interrupted us.

“I’ll be back soon; we can talk then.” He murmured and kissed me when she looked away.

 


End file.
